As Cherry and the Hoot is a creative mental health blog with an author who experiences severe major depression and anxiety, please be mindful that there will be moments I share some of my darkest moments of life. It is my decision to share these moments to assure others they are not alone when it comes to any darkness in life. I also share because I am not ashamed of any choices I’ve ever made that some may frown upon or don’t understand. Today I have decided to share that my latest suicide attempt occurred on August 7th, 2022. Yes, just last month. Since then, I have been and am currently being treated professionally; I am also on a healing journey to recovery. Although I will not intensely go into detail about what exactly led (the “icing on the cake”) to the attempt, I will briefly share why I felt it was necessary for me at that very moment. I also share in honor of September being Suicide Prevention Awareness month.
So there is no confusion or weird assumptions that some like to make- please know I didn’t do it for attention. It wasn’t for attention because, sadly, I wasn’t supposed to fail at it. I didn’t do it because I hated myself or anyone else. I didn’t do it because of what I was going through at that moment. I didn’t do it for the satisfaction of anyone else. I didn’t do it for sympathy. I didn’t do it as a “cry for help.” I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to face my troubles. I didn’t do it to hurt any of my loved ones. I didn’t do it to “take the easy way out.” I most certainly didn’t do it because I was selfish.
I did it because I was simply tired. I was tired of everything. I was tired of my ever-lasting mental health battle. I was tired of feeling the way I was feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was tired of not feeling like myself. I was tired of the hurt and all the pain I had ever endured. I was tired of all of the mixed emotions I had. I was tired of struggling with the things I could not repair, control, or understand. I was tired of the unnecessary treatment I didn’t deserve. I was tired of crying every day- at my workplace, in my car, on my way to sleep. I was tired of having no appetite. I was tired of sleeping my life away or not getting enough sleep from the endless negative thoughts scattering around in my brain. I was tired of feeling like I wasn’t living and was simply existing. I didn’t feel I could be helped, nor could I help myself. I no longer wanted to feel like a burden to anyone else in life.
I felt like it was my last option: to feel free of all my troubles finally. It was my last option to no more prolonged pain. My last option to stop the sleepless nights and oversleeping days- to prevent my depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms. It was my last option to refrain from losing my job for calling out multiple days in a row due to my mental health illnesses. It was my last option to no longer be lost- to find my way. Finally, it was my last option to be free and at peace forever. I felt like I was losing my battle with the one thing I had worked so hard to maintain over the years- my struggle with depression. I lost every drip of strength I had left in me. I was drained and done, and I was okay with that.
The decision was merely what I thought was best for me at that moment. As I continue to work on improving myself and my mental health, I hope for strength for anyone who feels as though they are completely drained of life. I hope you overcome your battles and weaknesses. I hope you achieve your full potential while seeing and knowing your worth. I hope you know that you are stronger than you think, and you, my friend, will make it through this darkness!
If you or someone you know are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.
You matter—your life matters.