Although I’m a bubbly spirited soul, at the age of 28, I can safely admit my personal social life is minimal. Besides my grandfather and my mother, I have one actual close friend, and I’m beyond thankful for her. Getting close to individuals is not my “cup of tea” because of past experiences and avoiding unnecessary drama or stress. It is a choice I’ve been content with for years now.
Whether it be friendships or relationships, trusting is a significant concern of mine when it comes to my personal life. I have issues with those wanting my attention for the wrong motives—those who have an opposing agenda within my time—those who lie about their current relationship status or their lives. Wasting my time is something I despise, especially if I’ve chosen to trust someone initially.
I’m not big on welcoming many new people into my “circle” because I hate having to figure them out. I hate getting to know new people all over again for it to be a waste. Yes, I socialize with many, but getting to know them fully is not an option. Therefore, I have the tendency to push people away when I feel as though they’re too interested in me. I’m sure I do this to protect myself after the bs I’ve dealt with in the past.
When I’m interested in someone, I tend to become too caring. Of course, I don’t view it as being “too caring” at that moment, but that is just my personality. I tend to want the best in any and everyone I encounter on a deep and secure level. I uplift those I care about tremendously. I open up to individuals with my life. I’m willing to do just about anything for them. If I have it, they have it. I’ve always been this way, and today I wish I wasn’t.
Making someone a priority in my life isn’t unusual. I feel as though that’s what real friends are for. Opening up with my entire world but barely knowing who someone is, that’s a problem. Putting forth the effort to show I care is natural to me. Caring about each other’s feelings is expected. Considering something as simple as time is key to me. Being upfront about motives and not dragging along dead weight is something I feel needs to be addressed. Communication!
Joking about not having a heart is frequent for me, but the truth is, my heart is gigantic. The problem is, I feel as though I make myself too available for some due to my nature. I begin to care so much I become naive to their intentions. Then, what do you know—they begin to notice and take my kindness for weakness. They begin to play mind games and then try to manipulate and use me. But why when I’ve cared for and supported them so profoundly?
The thought of being used is something I consider a lot when dealing with individuals. If I suspect it, I cut all ties immediately, and the trust issues begin again. I’m okay with helping anyone with anything. What I’m not okay with is them always needing me, knowing they wouldn’t do the same for me. Or even when it’s convenient for them. The sad part, I never look for anything in return because I’m satisfied with their happiness alone. Seeing those I care about happy means the world to me. I’ve noticed being too caring can really mess with your mind.
I hate that I worry about the well-being of others. I hate that I can’t easily let go of those I have so much love for. I hate that I treat those so highly without hesitation. I hate that I’m always interested in their lives and goals. I hate that sometimes I care for and love those more than myself. I hate that I can’t say “no” when I know I should. I hate that I allow those to repeatedly hurt me even though I’m well aware of my worth. I hate that I give those so many chances when I already know what the outcome will be.
I hate that I’ve been taken for granted, but I am now at peace.